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Pun Alley 01-28-2011

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Having some fun with workday experiences

By Dick Frank

Today is National Fun at Work Day. Before I retired, my work area was a bullpen where all my coworkers could talk to each other. Much of the conversations were perfect straight lines for my puns. I had fun every day; but I’m not so sure about them.  Today’s Pun Alley is all about workday experiences.

Blond caller?

The answering machine in the office instructed callers to leave their name, phone number and to spell any difficult words. One Monday when the secretary was reviewing the messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and number and then state, “My difficult word is commitment, c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t. I always want to put two t’s in the middle.”

Long distance

A clerk walked from his office building to another at the far end of the complex where he sought out another. “Did you just send these pages over?” he asked a man in a cubicle.  “I did,” the man responded.

“You did them all wrong,” The clerk said, shuffling the papers and showing him. “This set of pages is missing one, this form isn’t filled out completely, and this page was supposed to be sent to an entirely different department!” “Sorry,” the man said.

The clerk replied, “Please next time, before you send anything out, get your fax straight!”

Name calling

When the manager of a large office met a new employee he asked him, “What is your name?”

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only—Smith, Jones, Baker—that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.  Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...”

Work breaks

I asked a factory worker, “Why do you have such a large peak on your cap?”

He said, “That’s my supervisor!”

An executive is a big gun that hasn’t yet been fired.

You can keep a programmer in the shower forever by giving him a bottle of shampoo which states “lather, rinse, repeat.”

The gymnast kept losing her balance because she had too much gym beam.

Programmers get Christmas and Halloween mixed up because 25 DEC = 31 OCT.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws is that outlaws are wanted.  Boss: “You are twenty minutes late again. Don’t you know what time we start work at this office?”

New Employee: “No, sir, they’re always at it when I get here.” When you get to the point where you think you understand your computer, it’s obsolete.

“That new office manager speaks very highly of us, Ella. I heard him say we were perfect nonentities.”Mary in the human resources office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. She sent this reply, “Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.”

A big gun is often a man of small caliber and immense bore.  The doctor jotted down a few notes for a speech he would give at the local AMA meeting. Unfortunately, when he stood in front of his colleagues he found he couldn’t read his notes. So he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

Business trends

“My business is looking up,” said the astronomer.

“Mine is going up in smoke,” complained the cigar maker.

“Mine is all write,” chuckled the author.

“Mine is just sew, sew,” remarked the tailor.

“Mine is growing,” the farmer boasted.

“Ours is pretty light,” snapped the electric light man.

“Mine is picking up,” smiled the garbage man.

“Mine is looking better,” opined the optician.

“What is your gross income?”

“I have no gross income.”

“No income at all?”

“No gross income. I have a net income. I’m a fisherman.”

Relatively speaking

After three months of work the young fellow was called to the office of the president, who said to him, “You have been working here now for three months. Have you been getting any attention?”

The young fellow said honestly, “No, sir, not even one little promotion or increase in pay.”

“Well,” said the president, “I am going to make you a vice-president and increase your salary $80,000 a year.”

“OK” said the young fellow.

“Is that all you can say?” asked the president.

“Oh, no, gee, thanks, Dad.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.