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Pun Alley 01-21-2011

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Tales of those who have finally warmed up

By Dick Frank

Recently we saw record cold temperatures here in Ocala, record snowstorms in the northeast, and huge mudslides in California; all followed by flooding as far away as Australia. It was enough to drive many to excessive drinking. Now that they have sobered up, their tales have made it to Pun Alley.

Voices

When the man ordered a drink the bartender gave it to him, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To the man’s surprise a voice came from the peanut bowl. “You look great tonight!” it said. “You really look fantastic and that after-shave is just wonderful!”

The man was obviously confused, but tried to ignore it. He wandered over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice came from the machine. “You jerk. You stink. You’re almost as ugly as your mother.”

By now, the man was extremely perplexed. He asked the bartender for an explanation. “Ah, yes sir,” the bartender responded, “The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.”

Leaping lizards

A man walked into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and ordered a beer. He proceeded to drink it and gave some to the newt. The bar tender watching this with interest remarked, “I have never seen a pet like that before. What do you call it?”

The customer replied, “Tiny.”

“Oh, why is that?” asked the barman.

The reply was “Because it is my newt!”

Greeting readings

Seamus walked into O’Malley’s bar on New Year’s Eve and just as he sat on a stool, a fellow climbed onto a platform behind the bar and began reciting in a very loud voice, “There shall be no fisticuffs. No patron shall be served more than two drinks at one time. No smoking, by order of state law. Management reserves the right...”

As the voice droned on, Seamus motioned O’Malley over. “What’s with the grandstanding back there?”

O’Malley answered, “I was watching TV the other night. There was some news about how business really improves when you do this. I haven’t figured out how he’s going to help yet, but give me a few days.”

Seamus said, “But what is he doing?”

Came the reply, “He’s my new bar code reader.”

Short shots

The veneer of some people is easily removed with a little alcohol.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and asked, “Is the bar tender here?”

They thought to get stoned you had to drink wet cement.

An Egyptian mummy walked into a bar and said, “Please nothing to drink. I just came in here to unwind.”

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so don’t drink and derive.

Only ones

After a bar patron order a pint of beer, he handed a $20 bill to the bartender who said, “Sorry, sir, but I can’t accept that.”

The man pulled out a $10 bill and the bartender also rejected it. “What’s going on here?” the man asked.

The bartender replied, “This is a Singles Bar.”

One after another

A drunk who had been indulging fairly steadily staggered into a funeral parlor. “I need a stiff drink,” he said. When the undertaker explained where he was, the imbiber said, “In that case, I’ll have a bier.”

Doctor: “The best thing for you to do is to give up drinking and smoking, get up early every morning, and go to bed early every night.”

Patient: “What’s the second best?”

Two drunks were walking down a railroad track. Said the first one, “These long stairs sure do get me.”

“It’s not the stairs,” replied the second. “It’s these low banisters.”

A good woman, seeing a man emerge from a saloon, said, “I am sorry to see you come out of such a place.”

“Why, would you have me stay there all night?”

When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous. “No, suh,” the colonel declared. “I don’t reckon they’re mo’ than a dozen Bibles in the whole state.”

Think about it

A Chinese visitor said, “Funny people, you Americans. You take a glass, put gin in it to warm you up, and ice to keep you cool. You put sugar in it to make it sweet, and lemon to make it sour. You say, ‘Here’s to you,’ and then you drink it yourself.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.