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Pun Alley 01-15-2016

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Hitting the clearance rack

By Dick Frank

With the end of the holiday season, clearance sales of all kinds have been taking place. Lots of good items that just didn’t sell earlier and specials that didn’t fit in with buyers’ plans are being cleared out.

Here in Pun Alley the situation is similar. Good stories that didn’t fit in any of the themes of last year’s columns have accumulated. Today you get to read them in our own clearance event.

A needle in time

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.

Her husband came in and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “Honey be more careful! Please watch what you are doing! You don’t want to poke your finger! There you go now, slow and steady, nice even stitches.”

The wife put down the needle and thread, looked up at her husband, and said, “What is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?”

“Exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you,” replied the husband, “Do you know how many times I’ve driven a car before?”

Dumbo included

Herds of elephants from all over Africa were summoned to a meeting in the jungle, as their national leader took his place on the stage, one of the African elephants trumpeted impatiently, “Come on, tell us what this is all about. We’re all ears.”

Good catching

On her fifteenth birthday, Judy opened a package from her mom and out came a beauty case, containing samples of makeup.

“Neat!” her dad exclaimed. “Your own tackle box.”

Judy’s mom calmly explained that it was not a tackle box, but it was a beauty kit. Judy proceeded to display the mascara, eye shadow, rouge and other cosmetics.

At this point, her dad leaned over to his wife and whispered, “I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures.”

No computer crash

Several soaring enthusiasts were riding in a glider one day, lazily crisscrossing the sky. The glider had a built-in computer with Internet access. The pilot showed his riders the computer and said, “There is a new web site for professional glider pilots. All in favor of checking it out say ‘Aye.’” The passengers agreed, making it a site for soar ayes.

Nickel and dime

A man was in the bathroom when his wife shouted, “Did you find the shampoo?” He answered, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do; it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

The banana said to the doctor, “I’m not peeling well.”

A new household cleaner is named “Bachelor.” Jane thought it seemed like a strange name for soap until she saw the slogan, “It Works Fast And Leaves No Ring.”

It’s called a family tree because if you look long enough you’ll find some sap in it.

I once saw a tribal chief eat an entire Webster’s dictionary. They gave him castor oil for a week but never got a word out of him.

She refused to give him a divorce saying, “I’ve suffered with the bum for 15 years, and now I should make him happy?”

I met the No. 1 laxative salesman in the country the other day. But he’s really just a regular guy.

Maybe they call it middle age because that’s where it shows up first.

Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

Fighting tooth and nail

A husband asked his wife, “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger”?

“I clean the toilet bowl.”

“How does that help?”

“I use your toothbrush.”

Practical

Displaying her wedding gifts to her friends, the bride came to one from the groom’s old Army buddy. “I just adore these personalized gifts,” she told her friends. “We received towels and wash clothes with ‘His’ and ‘Hers’on them, but this is even more personal.” Then she held up an olive drab blanket with the letters US stamped in the middle.

Heads up

As manager of an electronics shop John ordered a part, number 669, from the factory. When it arrived, he noticed they’d sent part 699 instead. He fired off an angry letter and sent it back. A few days later, he got the replacement. It was the same part, along with a note, “Turn the box over.”