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Pun Alley 01-14-2011

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Snow brings ski stories in Pun Alley

By Dick Frank

This last Tuesday the Master The Possibilities Education Center at OTOW offered an “Alpine Skiing for Floridians” course for those who head north to ski. Pun Alley continues with some punny help for the ski students. Also, we can’t ignore stories coming from the blizzard that crippled the eastern U.S. last month. The icy tales all go downhill from here.

Not uplifting

The concierge at a posh ski resort was often asked about the ski facilities. One day, a couple that had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked where the lift was.

“Go out the door,” he told them, “about 200 yards down the walk and you’ll see it on your right.”

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up and said. “I think they’re looking for the elevator.”

Backward

Just after the big snowfall in NYC an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late. “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.”

The boss eyed him suspiciously. “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?”

“I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”

Extreme skiing

The athlete liked skiing along the very edge of the mountain trail with nothing between him and the valley several thousand feet below except a lot of cold air. However, if he overdid things his asthma would start to take over. As he put it, he liked to “Rim Ski. ‘Course I cough.”’

Snowflakes

Israeli ski racers at the Winter Olympics specialize in the Giant Shalom.

Heat moves faster than cold because you can catch a cold.

Two blondes were found frozen to death in their car at the Colorado drive-in movie theater. They went to see “Closed for Winter.”

When the forecaster was unsure of his prediction, he weathered the storm

Some ski instructors are like golf carts. They all look the same and can’t go over 20 mph.

Seals go to see movies at the dive-in.

Health insurance is just like one of those hospital gowns. You only think you’re covered.

Always buy thermometers in the winter because they’re much lower then.

I went to the bank ATM when the temperature read 26 so I could get some cold cash.

When Eskimos sit on the ice too long they get polaroids.

When a boxer practices in winter, he may be out cold.

It was so cold recently that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets.

When an Eskimo got stabbed with an icicle he died of cold cuts.

Wheelie a help

A gorgeous beauty queen, who posed for fashion ads before getting injured in a skiing accident, spent her recovery time visiting hospital and rehab centers in her wheelchair. There she was an inspiration to newly injured kids. She was truly a roll model.

Mom’s cookies

“After a long bumpy flight the passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the attendants checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, they found a bag of homemade cookies with a note saying, “Much love, Mom.”

Quickly an attendant gave the bag to the gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, an announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse, “Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?”

No excuse

A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

“Why is the injury not covered?” he asked.

“You got hit in the head by a chair lift,” the insurance rep said. “That makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition.”

Chinese proverb

The famous Chinese general Fu Man Chu made the mistake of invading Siberia during the winter. A Siberia general had spies who would run up into the mountains, spy on the Chinese, and return with messages about the invaders.

During one night, there was a terrible snow and ice storm, and the renowned Chu was said to have died from the cold.

The messenger returned to the Siberian general’s camp and reported, “Many are cold, but Chu is frozen.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.