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Pony Express delivered but modern mail hijacked

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By Dick Frank

On April 3rd in 1860, the first pony express in the United States started. The relay mail service operated between St. Joseph, Missouri, and Sacramento, California, a distance of nearly 2,000 miles.

Stations where the riders changed horses were roughly 10 miles apart. After a rider had covered about 75 to 100 miles, the mail was turned over to another rider; this continued until the destination was reached.

In honor of this event, three weeks ago our own pony express rider lumbered towards the Alley to bring you another column; but he got lost or waylaid by an Injun before he got to the pressroom. He has since arrived to bring you some of the best of the e-mail. Ron Johnson of Oak Run sent in the first one.

A Lot of Bull

A Department of Water Resources representative stopped at a Florida ranch and told the rancher, “I need to inspect the ranch for your water allocation.”

The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The Water representative replied, “I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? It means I can go wherever I want on any agricultural land. Do you understand?”

The rancher nodded and went about his chores. Later, he heard screaming and saw the Water representative being chased by the rancher’s bull. The rancher immediately ran to the fence and yelled, “Your card, your card! Show him your card!”

Bailout Sickness

David and Mary Carter of OTOW sent in the following gems. The first is about doctors’ opinions of the bailout package.

The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons cried, “Cut it out! Right away!”

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

Backup Help

A mom was very concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school, but he didn’t want her to walk with him. So she asked a neighbor to follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her.

The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise, so she agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl followed Timmy as he walked to school with a neighbor girl he knew.

Every day as the two walked, Timmy’s friend noticed the same lady followed them. Finally she said to Timmy, “Do you know that lady following us to school all week?”

Timmy replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”

The little girl said, “Well, who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcy.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?”

Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, and in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

Postcards

John Daily of Oak Run was the first one to send in the following collection of one-liners.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.”

It’s time for me to do a clumsy gallop out of the Alley to see what will turn up for next week; hopefully I won’t get lost. Dick and his wife, Jane, live in Oak Run.