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Let’s take a closer look down the road of wedded bliss

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By Dick Frank

June is the traditional month for weddings; there is no other more romantic month. Countless couples have finished their wedding preparations and have walked down the aisle or are close to it. Last year, Pun Alley took us down the path of courtship and weddings. This year, it’s time to go further down that path and look at married life awaiting the newlyweds a year or so later.

The Honeymoon’s Over

Don stopped at the pub on his way home from work just to have one drink. But when he met a group of his old buddies, time flew and he figured he better call his wife with some excuse. When he got out his cell phone, there was a message from her.

He listened to “Your dinner is in the refrigerator.  Just follow the directions and put it in the microwave. I’ll be out with the girls for the evening.”

Marriage Refinement

The other day I ran into Thomas. He said, “June and I are going to get a divorce.”

“Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together”

“Well” he said, “ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”

“Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you?” I probed.

“Nah, I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

Welcome Home

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

Mood Indigo

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. It’s a marvelous little device. When I’m in a good mood, it turns green.

When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

Shorts

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don’t like to interrupt her.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a husband can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

It used to be wine, women and song. Now it’s beer, the old lady, and TV.

I married Mr. Right. I just didn’t know his first name was Always.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Laying Down the Law

A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker, you can’t even imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place. I’m always going around the house organizing things.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married, I firmly told my husband, ‘Every glass and plate you take, wash it when you’re done and put it back in its place.’”

The first woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

Foolish Remark

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

Marriage Riches

A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.”

“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.

“A billionaire.” she replied.

Dick and his wife, Jane, wish all the June-married couples the best and a long happy life with each other. Your puns and jokes are always welcomed vie email to dickjfrank@yahoo.com or snail mail to the Citizen.