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It’s a taxing situation that’s certain

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By Dick Frank

It’s often been said that death and taxes are both certain. However, death isn’t annual. That national day of reckoning comes again next Wednesday when your income tax is due. Even if you still have to do your tax return, stop and take a trip down Pun Alley. It may be the only chance you get to have a laugh before April 15.

Revolting

“Who can tell me what caused the American Revolution to break out?” the teacher asked her history class.

“Taxation,” replied a student.

“Good,” The teacher saw a boy whose hand was waving. “Yes, John?”

“How come they teach that we won?”

Another student said, “Our forefathers made one mistake. What they should have fought for was representation without taxation.”

Many Happy Returns

Medical research has now confirmed that marijuana use has definite medicinal properties for treatment of glaucoma and other illnesses. The IRS has now ruled that expenses of medicinal marijuana can be deducted as a medical expense, but only if you file a joint return.

Million-Dollar Smile

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who exclaimed, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank God,” returned the taxpayer, “I thought you were going to want cash.”

Short Forms

Income tax has created more criminals than any other single act of government.

Politicians’ promises of yesterday are the taxes of today.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

The only time the average child is as good as gold is April 15th.

Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax comes due.

You’ve got to admire the IRS. Any organization that makes that much money without advertising deserves respect.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

The IRS calls it Form 1040 because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

You should file your income taxes, not chisel it.

The three R’s of the tax collector are this is ours, that is ours, everything is ours.

Now, not only are death and taxes certain, there’s also shipping and handling.

Abusive Mail

On the commuter train, Walter had just read a long letter he had received from a friend in his old hometown. Mellowed by the happy memories it brought back to him, he turned to the stranger seated beside him and happily remarked, “Did you ever get a letter that brought back visions of the past?”

“Have I?” the man replied. “Only this morning I got one from the government, reminding me I still owe them some $2,000 on my income tax of five years ago.”

Quarterly Payment

A man went to the local income tax office and handed a 25-cent coin to the startled clerk.

“What’s this for?”

“Why, it’s my income tax. They told me I could pay a quarter at a time.”

Elementally

At one time even Sherlock Holmes was audited. While examining Sherlock’s tax return, the tax agent commented: “I say, Holmes, these are amazing deductions.”

Political Overtones

A politician was making a speech on the Senate floor and said, “Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me tax your memories.”

Another senator jumped up and said, “Why haven’t we thought of that before?”

“Ex-President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He’s writing off his entire second term.”

While Bush was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay, and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, “Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.”

For the second year in a row we ought to thank Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax.”

This year the only thing scarier than getting a letter from the IRS saying you are getting audited is a letter from the White House saying you’ve been nominated.

Cheer up. Most of us don’t have to fear being nominated. All we have to do is pay and pay and pay. Oak Run residents Dick and Jane are no storybook characters; they have to pay taxes like everybody else.