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It’s punnier to gawk than to shop

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By Dick Frank

In an effort to help our country’s economy I spent Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, at the mall. Bargains abounded but not for anything useful to me.

I wound up sitting on a bench watching the shoppers and realizing that people are interesting. They all have different personalities, characteristics, habits, and shapes.

Stories about people and their experiences take us into today’s Pun Alley.

Celebration

A man and his wife were dining at a Corridor restaurant and the husband was staring at a lady swigging her gin as she sat alone at a nearby table.

The wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” replied the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“Wow!” said the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Pat Hand

“It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.”

“What are you getting her?”

“Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.”

“And?”

“Her exact words were, ‘Oh, I don’t know. Just give me something with diamonds in it.’”

“So?”

“I bought her a deck of cards.”

Accidental Conversation

Over dinner Jill said to John, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning and right away, I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me, he used really bad language, and he even threatened me!”

“How did you meet this fellow?” John asked, very concerned.

Jill replied, “Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car.”

Dim Wits

They thought they couldn’t use their AM radio in the evening.

They studied for a blood test.

At the bottom of the application where it says “sign” she put “Sagittarius.”

They sold the car for gas money.

If he spoke his mind, he’d be speechless.

They told me to meet them at the corner of “WALK” and “ONE WAY.”

He had a shirt that read, “TGIF,” which he thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”

She wanted to buy bottled water at a liquidation sale.

He couldn’t get any milk at the farm store, so he went to a secondary.

They thought to get stoned you had to drink wet cement.

Hard Bargain

“Hey, you! Pull over!” shouted the traffic cop as Betty was hurrying to the mall.

Betty complied, she went to court and the judge fined her $25. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident.

Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub “One pullover, $25.”

Long Distance

We went to the movies the other night. I sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a lady from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

“Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me.”

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”

“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please’ message just flashed on the screen and mine is out in the car.”

Now Hiring

The manager of a glass and window company had advertised for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience.

He asked, “Where have you worked as a glazier”?

Came the reply, “Dunkin’ Donuts.”

3           3          3

A guy came home to his wife and said to her, “Guess what? I’ve found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week.”

“That’s great,” his wife said.

“Yeah, unreal,” he agreed. “You start Monday.”

Weight a Minute

A woman was concerned about the long delay she always endured at her doctor’s office. One day, when her name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.

“I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.

Without a moment’s hesitation, the women replied, “One hour and 5 minutes!”

No Interest

A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building.

The teller answered, “Yes, providing he doesn’t make a deposit.”

You’re always welcome to make a deposit with me as long as it’s a pun or joke. Send them to

dickjfrank@yahoo.com or to the Citizen via snail mail. Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.