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It’s pet and animal week, so give ‘em a hug

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By Dick Frank

Animals are in the news this week as we celebrate both National Pet Week and Be Kind To Animals Week.  These weeks end tomorrow, so be sure to give your pets a hug before then.  But be careful with your goldfish.

Some of Pun Alley’s pet stories follow:

Fishy

“ Mary! How’s your new pet fish doing?  You told me he was something special.”

“ I’m disappointed in him.  The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to talk like a parrot.”

“You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to talk?  I can’t believe it!”

“But he is a parrot fish.”

Cat scan

A tavern in the downtown area has a well-groomed resident cat that is quite friendly.  In fact, the owner has a rule that no customer may order a drink without having the kitty sit in his lap and groom herself for a while.  He wants to be sure that all his customers can hold their licker.

Manly

“You look positively happy all the time,” said the young man to the elderly spinster.  “I always thought unmarried women were grouchy.”

“Well, I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, and a cat that stays out all night.  What need do I have for a man around the house?”

Bites

To buy a cat you need to find a pet store with a fee line.

A cross between a puppy and a bunny is a rabid dog.

The only thing worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.

A cat that swallowed a ball of wool had mittens.

A cat found a mysterious sweater, but the mystery was soon unraveled.

A bird watcher had a mynah problem but with no egrets.

When my cat lost her three male kittens, I had to call missing purr sons.

An argument over puppy selection is a pique of the litter.

A couple owned a florist renowned for its chrysanthemums as and a small kennel.  It was a mum-and-pup operation.

Stranger than seeing a catfish is seeing a goldfish bowl.

Pirates keep parrots on their shoulder with Polly-grip.

Kittens

“Have you any kittens going cheap?” asked a man in a pet store.

“No sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go ‘meow.’”

Dalmatian Job

A nursery school teacher was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.   The children started discussing what the dog’s duties might be.  “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child concluded. “No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant.”

Parrot Talk

After a woman purchased a parrot at an auction, she asked the auctioneer, “Are you sure this parrot talks?  I’ve bid an awful lot of money on it.”

The man replied, “I’m quite sure.  It was the parrot that was bidding against you.”

Goldfish crazy

Diane bought a hundred goldfish.  There were so many of them that she keeps them in her bathtub.  One day she invited her friend over to see her beautiful goldfish.  Lauren was impressed, and remarked, “They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?”

Diane replied, “I blindfold them.”

Catnip

A New England antiques dealer noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a rare porcelain saucer in front of a general store.  He went inside and offered ten dollars for the cat, but the owner said the cat wasn’t for sale.  The savvy dealer explained that he enjoyed rescuing wayward cats and raised his offer to twenty dollars.

“It’s a deal,” said the proprietor as he pocketed the money.

“For that sum,” said the connoisseur, “I’m sure you won’t mind if I take his saucer.”

“Oh, I can’t part with the saucer,” replied the owner.  It’s helped me sell twenty-seven cats this week.”

Dick and Jane live in Oak Run.  They once had a dog but he disappeared after spot remover was spilled on him.  Send you puns and jokes to Dick at dickjfrank@yahoo.com or via snail mail to the Citizen.