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A fresh crop of yuks for the New Year

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By Dick Frank

Yesterday, on New Year’s Day, many probably got up to a spouse saying, “Wake up and smell the roses; the Rose Bowl parade is on.” After a night of celebrating the coming of 2009, perhaps with Four Roses, viewing a parade with its profusion of all kinds of flowers could be the best way to recover from a hangover.

Today we’ll parade a few puns down the Alley – and see if any of them float your boat.

Blooming Idiot

While attending a marriage encounter weekend, a man and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the man, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

The husband leaned over whispered to his wife, “Pillsbury all purpose, isn’t it?”

Happy Returns

On an old Green Acres program, Lisa was talking to her goat and insisted it was her uncle, who had been “reincarcerated” as a goat. Oliver insisted that the word was reincarnated.

She said, “No! That’s when you come back as a flower!”

Forget-Me-Not

A man walked into a flower shop and said, “I’d like some flowers, please.”

“Certainly, sir, what did you have in mind?”

He shrugged, “Well I’m not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh ...”

“Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?”

Attire Emergency

A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”

The passerby asked, “Okay, but what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Weeds

Eve showed up one morning wearing flowers instead of a fig leaf. She was one of the first women to wear bloomers.

Grow your own dope, plant a blonde.

With the garlic diet you don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

If worms took over the world it would be global worming.

Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth. It’s called bristle sprouts.

No Fly

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonsful, he saw a circle of wetness forming under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, “It’s all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked.”

The waitress said, “You ordered vegetable soup, maybe it has a leek in it.”

Potato Heads

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others. They are called “speck tators.”

Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin. They are called “aggie tators.”

There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing. We call them “hezzie tators.”

Some folks spent a lot of time sitting and peering into their garden. They are called “medi tators.”

Sexist Wine

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s the women’s job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d want to have dinner with.

Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

This first Pun Alley of 2009 would not be complete without some New Year’s resolutions. I recommend that you resolve to have more fun and laughs in the coming year. I will resolve to try to help that along with Pun Alley every week. Oak Run residents Dick and his wife Jane wish you a happy New Year and trust that any resolution you make is not something that goes in one year and out the other.