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Florida " Fountain of Youth

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By Dick Frank

In 1513, Ponce de León, seeking the mythical “Fountain of Youth,” discovered and named Florida, claiming it for Spain. On this day in 1821 Spain ceded Florida to the United States, according to terms of the Adams-Onís Treaty. Just think, if Florida still belonged to Spain, most everyone here would be speaking Spanish.

The Beginning

When God was resting on the seventh day after creating the heavens and the earth, He and Archangel Michael were looking upon the earth and noticing the different areas; some were extremely hot and arid while others were very cold and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, pointed to a large land mass and said, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people in Florida are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.

They will be extremely sociable and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “It looks like paradise. What about that? The only paradise is here in heaven”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the idiots I’ll send them from the North every winter!”

Current Events

The governor of Florida has changed his mind and is now behind the idea of drilling for oil off the coast of Florida. He got the support of thousands of people, mostly living in Cuba, who see the oil rigs as rest areas on their way swimming to the U.S.

The Palm Bay, Florida Police Department said they may have to stop responding to certain crimes because of budget cutbacks. And people thought O.J. had moved to Florida for the weather.

Police in southwest Florida arrested a man they say let his 8-year-old son drive his van for a “bonding moment.” It worked because the man is now out on bond for the moment.

Last January a cold front descended on South Florida and ruined the orange crops. It was the coldest three days anyone could remember. The national media wasted no time giving President Obama credit for ending global warming.

Recently, the widow of a millionaire died at the age of 93. At her death, she left behind a sizeable estate bequeathed to the Florida Alligator Preservation Society. Her children were a little miffed at being cut out of the will. However, one of her sons had some pull in the press. An article in the local paper the next day read, “Millionairess who died recently, was high on Gatorade.”

Time After Time

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.

“Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Shorts

A cheese spill closed I-4 in Orlando. Officials say they have never seen such a free whey tragedy.

When the partners argued over the use of their yacht, it turned into a row boat.

The city council members recently met at a local lumberyard. They wanted to have a board meeting.

Miami police dogs are often the scenter of a drug arrest.

Charter flights to nudist colonies are the only ones that include a take off on landing.

A radio personality in a Disney parade gave a short wave.

People who live in the mountains have their own viewpoint.

Magnetic Attraction

Florida wildlife managers have launched an experiment to see if they can keep alligators from returning to residential neighborhoods by taping magnets to their heads to disrupt their “homing” ability. Now, if you have a metal plate in any part of your body, watch out.

Lawyer Gets Served

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.’”

Dick’s working career was spent writing technical specifications for the design of telephone switching equipment, sometimes sneaking in some hidden humor and inflicting puns on his coworkers. He and his wife, Jane, live in Oak Run.