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First comes love • then there’s marriage

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By Dick Frank

In ancient Rome, Feb. 14 was a pagan holiday in honor of Juno, the goddess of women and marriage, and the queen of the Roman gods and goddesses. Later it became a holiday named after a priest.

According to church tradition, St. Valentine was a priest near Rome about the year 270 A.D.

While historical details of Valentine’s Day are unclear, we do know that across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of Saint Valentine.

There aren’t many love-struck boys and girls in the Alley but Cupid left us with some touching love stories – as well as some of the rude awakenings when love becomes marriage.

Checking Out Romance

Betty met her husband while she was working in a library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.

After a year of dating, he showed up at the library and picked up one of the rubber stamps Betty used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped Betty’s hand.

Across her knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”

A Geek Pick-Up

Hans and Carol met online and had been dating for more than a year. When Carol introduced Hans to her uncle, he was fascinated by the fact that they met over the Internet.

He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick up Carol. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”

The First Dinner

The new husband sat down to the first dinner cooked by his new bride. He fished a piece of paper out of what looked like a stew.

He carefully unfolded the soggy paper and read, “Nobly, nobly Cape St. Vincent to the Northwest died away.”

“What the heck is this?”

“Well,” the young wife replied, “the recipe said that if the stew was too thin, I should add some Browning.”

Signs of True Love

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Husband: “Nothing.”

Wife: “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”

Wife: “Do you want dinner?”

Husband: “Sure! What are my choices?”

Wife: “Yes and no.”

Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”

Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”

Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!”

A wife asked her husband, “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor.”

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine tells him it’s in the microwave.

Every Woman’s Dream

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, walked into this local bar and soon noticed a woman gazing at him. He felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, “I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $10 but on one condition.”

The woman appeared to be captured by the moment and asked as if in a trance, “What’s your condition?”

Phil answered, “Tell me your wish in just three words.”

The woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to Phil, along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, “Clean my house.”

I’m not sure if there’s anything like thank-you valentines, but if there is,  I’d like to send them to all those who read this column, tell me they enjoy it, and send me the jokes and puns, whether they can be used in the column or not.

Don’t forget your loved ones tomorrow on Valentine’s Day. Dick and his sweetheart, Jane, live in Oak Run.