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An extra helping of Thanksgiving turkeys

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By Dick Frank

Thanksgiving is next Thursday, a day when we all should be thankful for our life, blessings, and liberty in the U.S.A. We already know what the day will be like.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 degrees. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other.

Weight watch and indigestion warnings have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 degrees in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.

We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

A Real Turkey

A blonde was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy answered, “No ma’ am, they’re dead.”

Once she got the turkey home she called the newspaper’s food editor for help. She asked, “I bought a nine-pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?”

“Just a minute,” the food editor said, as he turned to check his reference book.

“Oh, thank you,” she said, “You’ve been a big help. Goodbye!”

This cluck of a cook also wanted to make sweet potatoes, which were one of her husband’s favorites. She confided in a neighbor and asked, “I’ve finally been able to make them sweet,” she said, “but how do you make them orange?”

Another Turkey

A young bride called her mother in tears. She sobbed, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, mother,” the young woman lamented. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.”

“Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘Prepare From a Frozen State,’ so I flew to Alaska.”

Giblets

In 1658, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean. This was known as Pilgrims Progress.

I once roasted a turkey and he really took it hard. Kept calling me a no-good baster.

She baked the turkey for almost five days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 108.

When I realized I was addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, I decided to quit cold turkey.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning. Now, she’s going to make Thanksgiving Day dinner with all the trimmings.

Did you hear about the conservative turkey? It has two right wings and recently got slaughtered.

Trophy Turkey

Little Bruno was sitting in his grandmother’s kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

“What are you doing?” Bruno asked.

“Oh, I’m just stuffing the turkey,” his grandmother replied.

“That’s cool!” Bruno said. “Are you going to hang it next to the deer?”

Political Killing

I know a farmer who used a foolproof way of getting his turkeys ready for Thanksgiving. For the last month all he did was show the turkeys the presidential political debates on TV, the candidates’ commercials, and the evening political news. Now they are ready to go quietly. Some have even volunteered.

Good Hunting

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. Man, you should have seen people scatter in the meat department!

Oak Run residents Dick and Jane Frank wish you a happy thanksgiving.