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Chasing goof balls through the Alley

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By Dick Frank

Astronaut Alan B. Shepard was a dedicated golfer. As commander of Apollo 14, America’s third lunar landing, he was the fifth person to do a moon walk.

On this day in 1971, Shepard did some golfing on the moon with a 6-iron head attached to a lunar sample scoop handle. Despite thick gloves and a stiff spacesuit which forced him to swing the club with only one hand, he struck two golf balls, driving the second, as he put it, “miles and miles and miles.”

Although Shepard hit those two golf balls in moon gravity, about one-sixth of earth’s, they did not go miles and miles and miles. He later admitted they went about 200 to 400 yards.

Using Shepard’s tall tale as the launching point, Pun Alley blasts off with some out-of-this world golf experiences.

A Good Lie

A dentist was leaving the office with his golf clubs slung over his shoulder when his receptionist stopped him. “It’s Mrs. Wallis on the phone, doctor. She wants an appointment this afternoon. What should I tell her?”

“Tell her I can’t possibly see her this afternoon. I’m very busy. I’ve got 18 cavities to fill.”

Trapped

“What’d you get, Audrey?” Betty asked.

“A six,” Audrey blithely replied.

Six?” questioned Betty. “I distinctly heard you swing at least that many times while you were buried in the sand trap.”

“No, I only took three shots down there,” Audrey corrected. “The other three were echoes!”

A Real Hit

Four seniors came into the golf club’s pro shop after playing 9 holes. They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, “Did you gents have a good game today?”

One of them said, “Oh, I had three riders today.”

The second fellow said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”

The third senior said, “I did about the same. I had seven riders, the same as last time.”

The last one said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”

After they went into the men’s locker room, a lady club member who had heard the seniors telling of their game went to the pro and said, “I have been playing golf here for 15 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what is a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

Short Putts

Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one.

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backward.

I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them.

Isn’t it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong ball.

A golf cart is a vehicle with a fore cylinder engine

Wishful Thinking

The retiree stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner said, “What is taking so long? Hit the ball!”

The retiree answered, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

His partner pondered this for a moment, and then replied, “Forget it man, you don’t have a chance of hitting her from here!”

Juan Gone

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.

“A golf gun? What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!”

A Taxing Game

The accountant was teeing up his ball when he stopped and turned to his partner. “Do you know why golf is like taxes?”

“No.”

“You drive hard to get to the green, and then you end up in the hole.”

Say What?

The young honeymooners were out on the golf course, and the groom was explaining the basics of the sport to his bride. “Tee the ball,” he instructed.

“There’s no need for baby talk,” she huffed.

For The Birds

Joan and Susan were unloading their clubs from the trunk of the car, when Susan noticed her friend stuffing a paper bag in her pocket. “What’ve you got there,” she asked, “something to help your game?”

“Yes,” Joan replied. “It’ll help me get more birdies and eagles.”

“What is it?”

“Birdseed!”

I am not a golfer and know that if I tried, even birdseed wouldn’t help me. You can’t help my golf game, but you can help Pun Alley by sending your puns and jokes to me at dickjfrank@yahoo.com or to the Citizen via snail mail. Dick and Jane live in Oak Run.