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And you just can’t forget about the lawyers

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By Dick Frank

The attraction that police have for donuts was mentioned in last week’s Pun Alley. Since then, I discovered that they don’t like this association and now fear they are watching my driving to catch me at something. So, I felt I should consult a lawyer for advice.

I met someone who looked like an attorney, so I asked him, “Are you a lawyer?”

He answered, “Yes, I am.”

I then asked, “What do you charge?”

The lawyer answered, “$450 for four questions.”

I said, “Isn’t that sort of expensive?”

The lawyer said, “Some people might think so. What is your fourth question?”

Well, that got me started with some lawyer stories.

Foolish

Two lawyers standing before the judge got into a fierce argument. At last, one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, “Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on.”

“Order, order,” said the judge, “You seem to forget that I am in the room.”

Polish Divorce

A Polish immigrant to Florida got married. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along. One day, he rushed into an attorney’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following, “Have you any grounds?”

“Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home.”

“No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It’s made of concrete.”

“I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?”

“No, we have a carport, and don’t need one.”

“I mean. What are your relations like?”

“All my relations are still in Poland.”

“Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”

“Does your wife beat you up?”

“No, I’m always up before her.”

“Why do you want this divorce?”

“She’s going to kill me.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I’ve got proof.”

“What kind of proof?”

“She’s going to poison me. I found a bottle under the kitchen sink and read it. It said, ‘Polish Remover.’”

Honest Kid

Having just moved to a new home, a young boy met the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he said, “What’s yours?”

“Tommy,” replied the other.

“My daddy’s an accountant,” said Billy. “What does your daddy do?”

“He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answered.

“Honest?” said Billy.

“No, just the regular kind.”

Briefs

A lawyer who sued because he tore his clothes when he slipped on a banana peel lost the suit on appeal.

Clothes don’t necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.

Lawyers should be buried 100 feet deep because deep down, they’re really good people.

A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.

A lawyer walked into a courtroom, placed his satchel on the floor, and said, “Your Honor, I rest my case.”

A lawyer is a person who writes a 4,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”

Cigars for the Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money said to his lawyer, “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. Something like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But, I did send them.”

“What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

Letter of the Law

Two attorneys went into a restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Someone has said that there are only three lawyer jokes. The rest are true stories. I won’t comment about that; I don’t want both the police and lawyers looking for me. Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.