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And now that the fireworks have ended...

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By Dick Frank

Last week, our nation celebrated its birthday, a day associated with fireworks, parades, barbecues, carnivals, picnics, and other events commemorating how our country was born. Thinking about July 4 takes us down the alley for some related humor.

Precious

A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta where he purchased two diamond necklaces. On his return flight to the United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list everything he had purchased on his trip. So he made the declaration of Indian pendants.

Armed and Dangerous

The national arm wrestling championships are regularly held in Williston and many have heard about the man who was the champion year after year until he lost his wrestling arm in a terrible accident. This put him into a deep depression and forlorn at the prospect of never again competing at the sport he loved.

A world-class surgeon in Gainesville heard of his plight. Moved with compassion he offered to perform restorative surgery, but with an unusual twist. He reasoned that if a pig’s heart could be successfully transplanted into humans, he would transplant a bear’s foreleg to our poor arm wrestling champ, giving him another chance to complete.

The surgery was a huge success and the man soon re-entered competition, beating anyone who dared to challenge him. He so quickly dispatched his opponents that they appealed to the United States Arm Wrestling Committee, claiming that this man’s transplanted arm gave him an unfair advantage. They wanted him disqualified and barred from any further competition.

The committee’s answer was swift and brief. They noted that it would be a gross violation of this man’s civil rights to forbid him from competing. They called particular attention to the fact that every American citizen clearly has the constitutional right to bear arms.

William Penn’s Tribute

The national pen collector’s society holds it’s annual meeting and festivities around July 4. Besides lectures on pen collecting and other similar topics, there’s an expo where folks can buy and sell rare pens. The group ends its conclave with a formal ball that begins at 12:01 a.m. on the morning of July 4 and ends late in the day. Those attending this final event could be viewed as celebrating in the Pen Dance Day.

Shorts

The declaration of independence is truly a historical document. It may be the last piece of legislation not written by a lobbyist.

In 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made. It was the first flag poll.

The Best Flag

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class a poster of several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?”

A little girl called out, “That’s the flag of our country.”

“Very good,” the teacher said. “And what is the name of our country?”

The girl said confidently, “Tis of thee.”

Eyeing The Problem

In 1873, a team of German explorers with their dogs penetrated the heart of the South American jungle. They set up a fort in an Incan town, the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a huge ruby for an eye, know as the Jewel Eye.

The German church had sent out Friar Wilhelm Werks three times to check on the progress of the fort, and each time the appearance of the idol had sent him into fits of screaming. Each time, he shouted so loud that the dogs ran for cover.

The commander of the fort, Hans Brickner, received a message that Werks would be coming to visit again. He consulted with his assistant and both agreed that the Friar would explode when he saw the idol.

His assistant said, “In that case, we’d better make sure we put the dogs away.”

“Why?”

“You know how scared the dogs get when Friar Werks goes off on the Fort of Jewel Eye.”

Hope the fourth was with you! Dick and his wife, Jane, live in Oak Run.