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All the news jest the way you like it

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By Judi Siegal

The Jewish holiday of Purim (which occurs this year on March 21) celebrates the Jews’ deliverance from the hands of the wicked Haman in ancient Persia. It is customary to masquerade, poke fun, write satire and have a good time. In honor of the holiday, I offer the following.

In the news:

A herd of Texas longhorns escaped from a ranch into the woods along Route 44 in Hernando. When asked about the incident, the owner, James Maverick, explained it was all a big miss-steak.

Cohen’s Kosher Deli and Restaurant is coming to Route 200 in Ocala. It will feature matza ball soup, knishes, corned beef sandwiches and other tasty Jewish foods. No fried chicken or collard greens served. It will open today, no ifs, hams or butts. A similar venue is planned for Citrus in the year 2525.

A new Jewish center is planned for a vacant lot somewhere between Citrus and Marion counties. It will house three swimming pools: one Orthodox, one Conservative and one Reform.

There will also be a golf course, theatre, tennis court, riding trail and a ma jong room. Construction will begin whenever.

Freedom Library is expanding! There will now be a whole new Jewish fiction section. Of course this report is entirely fiction!

Nabisco is reportedly planning on marketing a new product, called the Florida cracker. It will be kosher, of course!

Tropicana plans to build a plant in Citrus Springs. When asked about the move, a company spokesperson said: “We like the name.” Orange you glad?

People in the news:

A horse ridden by Oak Run octogenarian Arthur Ritis won first prize in the cross country competition at the Florida Horse Park, yesterday. Arthur did admit to feeling a bit stiff after his ride.

Recently elected mayor, Phil Siegal, of the new town of Southwest Ocala, announced yesterday that he wished to have all the streets in town to have names not numbers. He had to abandon the idea when everybody wanted to live on Easy Street.

Lee Helscel, well-known editor of the South Marion Citizen, recently added a yarmulke to his signature cap collection. When questioned about the purchase he said he plans to wear it when he reads Judi Siegal’s Jewish column. (We thought it was because an editor wears many hats!)

Judi Siegal, popular columnist for two local papers, has taken a new job as assistant editor for the Citrus County Comical. She was a shoe in (size 8) for the job because she could reed and spel real gud. She also could write good jokes.

Cheri Harris, my Tennessee born features editor at the Citrus County Chronicle, is reportedly taking Hebrew lessons so she can say “Shalom, y’all” with the proper accent.

The next issue of the Marion-Citrus Jewish Journal will be published next Purim, if you can wait that long!

Judi Siegal is a retired teacher and Jewish educator. She lives in Sun Valley with her husband, Phil. And no, she never did stand-up in the Katskills.